But everyone who's ever dated online knows personal profiles can be a minefield - too often a tall, dark, handsome millionaire turns out to be a short, fat, ugly geek. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences. It's safe to deduct three inches from any man claiming to be between 5ft 7 and 5ft 10. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' because he can't remember your name.Here, to help you read between the lines of adverts, CLAUDIA CONNELL brings you a handy his 'n' hers Dating Dictionary. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects. That means he's ugly, 5ft 3in and plays snooker CUDDLY Morbidly obese. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts. SPORTY I watched the Olympics and play snooker for the local pub team. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op. ” Craigslist can actually be a pretty good online dating vehicle, so I’m going to show you an ad that got me over 50 responses, 10 dates and ultimately landed me a short-term girlfriend. You mean I have to pretend to like your floofy poodle/chihuahua/norway rat mixed breed long enough to maybe earn some kisses?Not only that, this ad made it onto The Best of Craigslist. Or that huge mastiff that’s physically capable of kicking me out of your bed?A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility. The good news is he travels for free and gets in half-price at the cinema. The sort of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M1 in the rushhour.
If you recognize yourself in some of them, I think it might be worth taking the time to keep on reading my profile.
She can tell you the name of every character in TV teen drama Gossip Girl, but has no idea who the Prime Minister is. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. I'M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet. Andrew Lloyd Webber will look like a Calvin Klein model next to this guy. TOLD ATTRACTIVE By my mother, the only woman I've every loved or am ever likely to. HOPE YOU LIKE MY PICTURE Taken 10 years ago and bears no resemblance on now. NOT JUST LOOKING FOR SEX I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology. On a date he'll order graphically named cocktails and talk dirty with you over the garlic bread.
You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces. Everyone in online dating is 'attractive.' In the real world it means 'pleasant to look at' - in the internet-speak it means: two eyes, two ears and a mouth. When he's not even claiming to be attractive, it's time to worry. DISCRETION OFFERED I don't care if you're married too. So unless you're a sure thing you pay for your own dinner.
But never mind, fellas, because here's the best part: None of this complicated crap makes the slightest bit of difference! Sure, they're interested in seeking out intelligent men to have sex with.
And the idea of breeding with brainy guys who will think of creative ways to protect the offspring and carry home food is built into them by natural selection. I've been throwing my life away trying to catalog the entire set of grammatical principles that characterize Standard English, but those days are over.
But to laugh at Noonan for making a grammatical error would be to miss the point.